The Flaws of “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
Everyone must engage in confrontation to navigate life successfully. Many of my clients experience intimidation or feel uneasy when encouraged to improve their ability to manage confrontation. Some have misguided ideas about what confrontation means. Confrontation does not necessitate yelling, aggressive behaviors, or heated arguments. Confrontation is simply recognizing you have your own ways of prioritizing life and how you want to be respected, while recognizing there is a barrier to achieving those goals.
Confrontation does not resolve when the priorities focus on winning or reputation. The best way for confrontation to resolve is to focus on compromise.
Confrontation is defined by the ability to use assertive communication to ask for what you want, stating needs, and informing another person that certain statements or behaviors were not appreciated.
To be effective with confrontation, there are two important factors: 1. You must have the confidence to freely tell another person you did not appreciate their behaviors or were offended by their statements, and 2. Possess the ability to process another person informing you that your actions or words were not appreciated, without getting defensive.
Defensive behaviors never help confrontation. This shows an inability to process confrontation effectively, and the priority is cemented with image and perception, not resolution. A person who remains stuck in those defensive-based thinking patterns may say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” whenever you communicate something they did or said that was not appreciated by you.
In some cases, “I’m sorry you feel that way” may not have been malintended. There may be some authentic sincerity behind it. However, our intentions do not matter at the end of the day. Have you ever won a sporting event in your life just because you intended to win? Highly unlikely. Several circumstances come into play that determine winning from losing, and one of those circumstances involves making corrections throughout gameplay whenever you are struggling. Getting defensive about a play that did not execute well does not lead to winning.
Similarly, this applies to confrontation. Below are the problems with responding with “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
It does not reflect accountability. Somebody who is allegedly “sorry” for how you are feeling is not showing any accountability or contrition for their wrongdoing. The person is attributing shame to what you are feeling, thus ignoring all possibility that their own behavior was wrongful. The expectation is to go along, just to get along. They are not open to any possibility that they could have done or said anything wrong.
They are not apologizing for their actions. They are holding YOU accountable for how you are reacting to their wrongful behavior. If they were granted a time machine with the ability to rewind prior to the conflict, they are telling you they would not do anything differently if given another chance. This is no different from punching somebody in the face and expecting them to just be jubilant and nonchalant about it.
They prioritize defense mechanisms instead of seeking an understanding. They are showing you that THEY cannot handle conflict. They are prioritizing reputation over compromise. They are playing the victim for how you perceive their words. They prioritize winning the discussion instead of compromise. The priority is how they are perceived in the conflict, and not on being helpful.
Compromise does not develop when there is emphasis on shame, preserving reputation, or being right. If you want to be helpful for somebody you truly care about, there needs to be a willingness to make corrections.
Helpful corrections:
I am sorry for what I did or said: Certain jokes and banter may be appreciated around closest friends and relatives, but not everybody comes from the same walk of life. It is okay for a person to admit they crossed a line with something insensitive, were not aware of their surroundings, or were simply having a bad day and were being a jerk. Nobody is always right.
Recognizing one size does not fit all: There may be certain unwritten rules of advice you live by that you may find helpful. However, not everybody thrives in those circumstances.
Not placing reputation on a high pedestal: Many people struggle with prioritizing their reputation too much when dealing with a hurt loved one. The focus is on their own perception and image when dealing with someone who is hurt, rather than actually being supportive.
To summarize, we have no control over other people. We cannot guarantee that using effective confrontation strategies will lead to positive change. However, we have every humanistic right to prioritize our peace ahead of those who play the victim whenever we express something unpleasant. You do not have to be ashamed of how you felt about another person’s actions. You are also not wrong for dismissing those who care more about winning an argument than being supportive. You owe it to yourself to use confrontational skills if somebody you care about does something undesirable. We can always hope necessary corrections are made if the focus is on compromise. Nobody is obligated to continue engaging in conflict if the other person is focusing on image, attributing shame, or being right.
Never apologize for feelings.
